Centre of March

A message from the Author

2006-03-03T20:15:00.000+10:00

Hello and welcome to one of my gay short story *erm* blogs. This was the fastest and simplest way I could figure to publish my short stories and bring it out there to all my readers. 'Centre of March' only has ten chapters, and I don't have any plans to add to it. I'd only planned to write ten chapters and so everything I wanted to communicate in it has been written.

I was inspired to write this story because of a major crush I had on another guy I was studying at university with. He was unfortunately straight, yet I couldn't get him out of my mind, there wasn't a day that passed when I didn't think about him. I guess I wrote this story to express the way I felt about him and in so doing, provide an outlet for the pent up feelings of my affections for him. I also wanted something to remember him by. I guess it's worked, I don't see him anymore , we've gone our separate ways and my feelings for him is just a distant memory.

You can also find this story on the Nifty pages. It's a lot easier to read here though, and way more easier on the eyes, not that there's anything wrong with the Nifty version (my thanks goes to the fellas there for their hard work), unless you like reading plain text.

This page acts a bit like a contents/home page, when you're reading one of the chapters you can get back here by clicking on the 'home' link or clicking on the blog title at the top that says 'Centre of March'. (Don't try it here, it won't work, this is the home page after all!)

Enjoy.

PLEASE NOTE: While my stories may contain gay themes, there is absolutely no explicit sexual content. If this offends you, please don't read any of the chapters. If you are looking for explicit sexual content, there are plenty of other place you can find it. The author retains all rights to this work. Copying or reproductions of these works in part or whole is not allowed without the author's consent.

Chapter Ten

2006-03-03T20:14:00.000+10:00

No. I refused to believe this was happening. This was not right. It was all wrong. Somehow I knew this was not in the script. There was still so much I wanted to tell him, so many things I wanted to say but was too afraid.

A strange sense of responsibility flooded my being. Something was missing. Like the feeling you get when you walk out of your house knowing there was something else you needed to do before leaving, but you just couldn't put your finger on it.

Suddenly, the room flared into blinding whiteness and time stood still. When my sight returned I was standing on a beachfront, waves rolled smoothly along the shore, the waters seeming to extend far beyond the horizon. I had no idea how I came to be here when just a moment ago I was in the hospital. This place felt familiar, but I couldn't understand why; the beach looked like no other I had ever been to in my entire life. Maybe this was a dream. If it was a dream then it must be a very realistic one because I could feel the wind blowing against my skin, I could taste the salty air and feel the warm sand beneath my bare feet.

After a short time I felt the presence of another come to stand beside me. I didn't look to see who it was, I was feeling too peaceful to really care and I figured they might say something first. Finally I turned to look at the person who stood so silently next to me and I jumped back from extreme shock, landing flat on my butt. Dressed in white clothes was the exact spitting image of myself.

"What the hell is going on here?" I asked no one in particular. The pain at my rear end was a reminder that this was all too real.

My double looked down at me with a warm smile, he said, "You have nothing to fear in this place."

"Fear?" I said in a high pitched voice, I cleared my throat, "Who said I was scared?"

"Nothing can harm you here, least of all me, or should I say, yourself," my double said extending a hand down to me. I reached up to grab his hand and he helped me up.

Dusting sand off myself I said, "I don't get it, who are you?"

"Don't you recognise me?" my double said.

"Is that supposed to be a joke?" I said incredulously, "Wait, was that a trick question?"

My double laughed, he said, "I always liked having a sense of humour."

The confused expression on my face said more than I could express with words.

Continuing, my double said, "You already know the answer to these questions."

"Hey, I asked you, uh whoever you are . . . damn it, why do you look like me?" I said feeling like my head was going to explode from the conundrum.

I watched my double raise his eyebrow and waited for a response but none came. Then I realised I had essentially asked the same question as the first. I was definitely not in the mood for riddles, considering my best friend had died right before my eyes while I couldn't do anything to prevent it. My sight blurred as tears welled up but I refused to let myself mourn in this strange place.

"It doesn't have to end this way," my double said, "Our journey has culminated up to this precise point for a reason, don't allow this mistake to be repeated."

"What are you talking about?" I said.

"We must learn to open our hearts first, in this lifetime it is the key to opening our eyes, and our minds," he said.

"What do you mean by that?" I asked.

"You know exactly what I mean," he said, "You need to tell him how you feel. But first you need to trust in your feelings, and understand that what you need is the same as what you have always wanted though never allowed yourself to have."

"You're talking about Edric," I said simply.

"You can deny yourself true happiness and live in ignorance of what could be, but know that your life will not be complete, and in your next life you will be destined to relive this mistake until you can finally learn to take your fate into your own hands.

"And when you understand that your soul can only be whole through a diversity of experiences spanning equally as many lives, will you have truly set foot on the path to enriching that soul."

The words stirred something deep within me. I knew that he was talking about more than Edric, but I also knew that Edric was to play a significant part of my life, and it was something that I've always known but never thought about too much. Like a ripple caused by a stone thrown into a pond it spread through me until I could no longer deny the joy and happiness I felt since my first encounter with Edric. I threw my head back, closed my eyes and basked in the ecstasy of release. I felt so much more for Edric than I could ever appreciate if I continued to keep myself from exploring those feelings. As I let them wash over me I realised how deep they went, right down to my inner being.

I felt lighter and could no longer feel the sand beneath my feet. Opening my eyes I found myself floating, drifting through the clouds high above the ocean. I wasn't afraid, I knew myself better than before, I knew that my life had purpose. I also knew that I had lived many lives with just as many purposes. It was clear to me now that who I was, and all the lives I've lived, were all part of the same journey. A journey containing lessons every soul would eventually learn, a journey of insights that we were all destined to grasp and master in one life or the next.

I looked at my double with understanding. I said, "You are me."

He smiled, "Yes, I am your higher self."

"I know what I must do now," I said.

"Everybody holds the truth of their destinies within them," my higher self said, "But that we can connect with this truth in this lifetime is due to the accumulation of all we have learnt and the karmic debt owed to us."

I nodded. My higher self floated towards me and we merged as one. A flash of white enveloped everything and I felt the pull of gravity grounding my feet. A glaring after burn distorted my vision, when it cleared I found myself back at the hospital. It took a moment to orient myself, but with the return of awareness, the feelings of pain and loss came flooding back as well.

"We're not giving up yet," the doctor said adamantly. "Nurse, prepare the epinephrine. NOW!"

One of the nurses hurriedly complied. Most of the needed equipment and drugs must have been stored in the cart that was wheeled in with their arrival. The nurse filled a syringe with a liquid, presumably the epinephrine, and passed it to the doctor. With haste and precision, he stabbed the syringe into Edric's heart and injected the fluid. I winced at that. It felt like it was my own heart being pierced.

The doctor once again applied the defibrillator paddles to Edric's chest. It seemed like time was passing slowly again when he activated them. Edric's chest arched upwards. Nothing happened. I couldn't begin to describe what I was feeling at this moment, but needless to say, I was more on edge than I'd ever been in my life.

I tried to move towards Edric, I wanted to be next to him, but something held me back and I realised the female nurse was still restraining me. She must have given up trying to drag me out of the room. Nevertheless, she wouldn't allow me near him either.

Time was ticking away and with every second that went by, the chances of resuscitating Edric grew slim until soon any efforts would become futile and hopeless. I wished there was something I could do. I would have gladly given my life in exchange if it were possible.

"Tell him how you feel . . . trust in your feelings, and understand that what you need is the same as what you have always wanted though never allowed yourself to have," the voice of my higher self echoed in my head. Well, if that episode I had recently wasn't a hallucination brought on by my distraught brain it was still good advice. Useless advice for now, perhaps. How was I supposed to tell him what I felt for him if I wasn't even completely sure of what those feelings were? Even if I was sure, I couldn't possibly tell him in his condition at the moment; for God's sake, he wasn't even exhibiting any signs of life.

I sank down to my knees, helpless and more scared than I knew how to show. If there was ever a time for God to intervene and save my sorry ass, then now would be the time, because somehow I knew that my life would never be the same if Edric died today.

I looked at the nurse who held me back for the first time since she started to restrain me. Her face was filled with more compassion and understanding than she was required to feel. Then she said something that shouldn't have meant anything beyond condolences under the present circumstance.

"Sometimes it's better to say what's in your heart, then to never say it and always regret it," the nurse said to me. I couldn't understand why she would give me such advice in light of this situation, but then I remembered a documentary I watched a while back that proved the brain could still function and can still be aware of the environment for a limited time even though the heart would stop beating. I glanced at Edric, and then back at the nurse. She nodded silently as if in encouragement.

"Edric," I said, but it came out more of a croak than anything intelligible. I continued with more force, "Damnit Edric! You can't leave me now, not before I have the chance to tell you . . .!"

The doctor looked towards me, then at the nurse irritably. Droplets of sweat glistened on his forehead as he returned to his work.

"Edric!" I almost screamed. Hot tears welled in my eyes as the last of my opportunity quickly faded away. It was now or never. With every breath I could muster I shouted across the room, "I love you!"

At that moment the doctor activated the defibrillator paddles once more. Again Edric's chest arched. Again a moment of silence ensued. Then a beep. And another beep. Then more as the cardiac monitor relayed cardiac activity. I couldn't believe it; Edric was still alive. The nurse smiled at me as she helped me onto my feet. My legs still felt weak but she continued to support my weight. I turned to the doorway where I saw Aunt Jen wearing a knowing expression on her face. Julie, on the other hand, looked plain bewildered.

When I returned my attention to Edric I noticed his eyelids were twitching as he struggled to open them. He blinked rapidly as he came into consciousness. The doctor pried his eyelid open wider and shone a penlight to observe the pupil dilation of each eye. The doctor went through the rudimentary assessment of consciousness, asking Edric to follow has hand movements and how many fingers he was holding up.

"Unbelievable," the doctor muttered to himself, "Such a remarkable yet spontaneous recovery from cardiac arrest."

Edric noticed I was still in the room, in a weak voice he called out to me, "March?"

"I'm here," I said sniffing with tears streaming down my face. Tears of happiness this time. The nurse loosened her grip on me and I made my way to his side.

It was almost unreal. Like a vivid dream it was just the two of us now. Nothing else mattered, and it didn't, everything around me disappeared except for the sight of Edric.

"I thought I lost you," I said to Edric.

"You're not getting rid of me that easily," he said.

I laughed abruptly, then softly I said, "No, I wouldn't try even if I could."

I held his hand and brushed aside a few strands of hair that stuck to his forehead. He was observing me with a questioning look on his face.

"God, this was a lot easier when you were dead," I said absently.

He raised an eyebrow and I realised I had just spoken my thoughts aloud.

I bit on my upper lip and steeled myself for the worst. He needed to know, I owed him that much. I owed myself that much to tell him at the least.

Smiling I braved on. I said, "Before I met you I didn't know how to let anyone into my heart. It was you who broke down my defences, and showed me I deserve to be loved."

Edric listened patiently, understanding. His light green eyes delved into my very soul.

"I guess what I'm trying to say is that you are my centre, I couldn't live without you in my life and I will always be drawn to you . . . even if . . . you don't feel . . ."

"As you are mine," he said without allowing me to finish, his tone suggested he wasn't even prepared to let me consider it. "You are my centre."

A tear slid down his face and I wiped it away.

"I really do love you Edric," I said finally. My heart was on my sleeve but I wasn't afraid anymore. This is what I wanted. This is who I am now.

Edric's face was a picture of contentment. He said, "I love you too, and if we're going to have a future together you're going to have to let me rest first."

I laughed again. "Okay, get better Edric."

I kissed his forehead, squeezed his hand one last time and did the hardest thing yet so far; I walked away.

Leaving the intensive care ward I linked one arm around Aunt Jen's and the other around Julie's. Despite recent events, everything worked out well, albeit unexpectedly well and I knew that things would be fine from now on. As an afterthought and while I led my aunt and sister out of the hospital I said, "By the way Aunt Jen, remind me not to ever get a reading from you again!"

Chapter Nine

2006-03-03T20:13:00.001+10:00

There was emptiness all around me. Darkness. I was floating through nothing. My thoughts were lucid, I was aware of myself and so much more. Somehow this place felt familiar, like a place I've been to before but was only recognisable upon seeing again. In fact, I remember being here on countless occasions. Time and space did not exist here, not in the same sense it did on the earthly plane. This was a place of transition, a place where choices can lead to infinite possibilities, where souls gather to remember the world vision and where answers may be found to questions never asked. This was a realm where thoughts and desires manifested. But not all desires lead to paradise. The souls of those who never awakened on the earthly plane would only manifest their own private hell. It was the only hell that existed.

Life, flourish. Before me a field of colours sprang from the darkness, grandiose trees and picturesque blooms sprouted from an expanding grassland that continued to grow into the horizon. Light shone from everywhere without any specific source, touching everything with a heavenly glow.

Body, corporeal. Sensation flowed as I was grounded, my body materialised in clothes of pure white. I could feel blades of grass between my toes and felt the gentle wind blowing through my hair. I did not need a vessel to traverse these realms, but experience was a privilege and should not be taken for granted.

I walked through the fields without fear. There were other souls here, some that overlapped into my realm, and I could see them struggling with their transitions into a higher existence as they continued to replay that which they held on to dearly. Here a person ran in circles chasing a trail of money, there another sat at a computer furiously typing. They would continue their dramas until they could learn to let go. I could not help them, it would be futile, so I closed my eyes and when I opened them the other souls had disappeared.

I continued to walk, each step the same as the one before. The environment did not change, but I knew that I would eventually reach a destination. I did not know where I was going, only that I had faith in my search.

In the distance something was altered, when I reached it I found myself standing on the shores of an expansive ocean. A shining sphere of light hovered a few metres away from where I stood. Then it transformed into a person, flickering from one bodily image to another. Once a female, then a male, an old man, an old woman, and hundreds of variations in between. Finally it settled into a male body garbed in similar white clothes as myself.

- It has been a while old friend.

"Indeed it has," I said. The words were not spoken, rather, it was understood.

He turned. I knew him. I have always known him.

- We meet again.

"As we always do."

- We have lived before.

"And shall live again."

Eternal love emanated from this being, the same love that I myself felt for them. It was a love as old and natural as creation.

- We have shared many lives and will share many more.

"It is the path we have chosen."

- Yes, we have been fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, friends, enemies and lovers. But always reborn to cross paths.

"And we are at another crossroad now."

- It is a test of our strength and conviction.

"I do not know if I can make it through this time."

- That is part of the experience.

"You always were the optimistic one, and always there for me when I needed you."

- The time has come for our roles to be reversed. I need you now, more than ever.

"It was never this hard."

- It has never been easy either.

I stood for a moment feeling the wind lightly blowing against my face and the tiny grains of sand shifting beneath my feet. I blinked and when my eyes reopened I stood directly in front of this familiar soul. His eyes were a vibrant light green colour and his face was smooth, glowing with radiance. His hair was dark, almost black. A neatly trimmed goatee encircled his mouth.

"What will become of us this time?" I asked.

- You know that will depend on our choices. Our paths are always changing, nothing is certain. The only thing that is certain is the infinite future.

"I have not always made the best choices."

- I believe that you have. You have always come through.

"My next choice may bear a heavy burden if I do not choose wisely, I am not sure if I am ready."

- You will do as you must.

"I can only hope."

- It is time.

"Time to return."

He transformed back into a sphere of light drifting in the air for a while before soaring into the distance and disappearing beyond the horizon.

My surroundings began to fade, the darkness was returning. It wasn't long before everything melted into nothingness. Then sounds began to filter through. Two distinct voices were speaking, arguing with each other. I opened my eyes and the glaring brightness of artificial lighting blinded me for a moment. I was sitting on a hard plastic seat with my head resting on a pillow. I couldn't understand where I was or how I happened to be here. When I saw Aunt Jen and Julie I realised I was in the emergency waiting room of the hospital. Memory returned to me along with the painful emotions. I was sure I was somewhere else just a moment before, but the harder I tried to remember, the further out of reach it became until no traces of the experience remained, like a dream that was forgotten moments after awakening.

Aunt Jen was pacing back and forth looking distressed. She said to Julie, "Honey, I swear, I can't see his aura, things like this don't happen."

"He's just sleeping Aunt Jen," Julie said, "You're getting worried over nothing."

"Maybe I'm not explaining it right," Aunt Jen said in frustration, "Aura's don't disappear unless the person is dead or . . . no, it can't be."

They hadn't noticed I was awake. I said, "Are you both talking about me again?"

Aunt Jen and Julie turned to look at me at the same time. Aunt Jen squinted at me, sighed and smiled with relief.

"March, thank God, I can see your aura again," She said.

"That's because he's awake now," Julie commented.

"How long have I been asleep?" I asked, "And how did I end up here? I thought I was on the floor before."

Julie raised her eyebrow, she said, "Almost an hour."

"Don't you remember that I helped you up to the seat?" Aunt Jen said intrigued, "You were so tired you could barely walk, let alone speak."

"Last thing I remember was falling asleep on the floor next to you Aunt Jen," I said. Then worriedly, "Any word about Edric?"

Aunt Jen looked grim. She shook her head, sat down next to me and placed a hand on my arm reassuringly.

I took a deep sigh and stared at the floor. I wasn't completely sure why, but I wasn't feeling as upset as before. I felt calmer, though still distraught, which was evident from the incessant gnawing sensation I felt in my stomach.

"Oh, by the way," Julie said, "I drove home while you were asleep and got you some fresh clothes."

"Thanks," I said taking the bag of clothes she was holding out, "Red is just not me anyway."

Aunt Jen raised her eyebrows and Julie looked horrified.

"Sorry guys," I said, "Just trying to lighten the mood."

I headed for the men's toilets to change into the fresh clothes. I threw the blood stained ones in the bin on the way out. When I returned to the emergency waiting room, the doctor was speaking to Aunt Jen. He turned when he saw her look at me.

"March?" He asked.

"Yeah," I answered tentatively, my heart started to beat faster.

"I have some good news for you," the doctor said, "Edric has awakened from his unconscious state."

A sense of release from the stressful events overcame me, and I felt a heavy weight lifted from my shoulders. I said, "Thank God."

"We've moved him to intensive care and he's asked to see you," the doctor said, "But he's very weak and still in a precarious condition, so please make it short. I'll show you the way there."

I was walking on air, gliding, as I followed the doctor with Aunt Jen and Julie trailing behind. It wasn't far and when the doctor left us by the door I was too afraid to walk through it.

I steeled myself, schooled my thoughts and opened the door. He was lying in a hospital bed, slanted to prop him up. He had thick layers of bandage wrapped around his forehead. All manner of hospital machinery surrounded him and attached themselves to him by wires and tubes. The sight tore at my heart, but I kept my face free from the distress I was feeling. He looked at me and smiled faintly. I smiled back. Even with half his face swollen, it was enough to light up the room.

"How are you holding up there buddy?" I asked him.

Edric swallowed, failed at his first attempt to speak, and then said, "I didn't think you would be here."

"Hey," I said soothingly, I grabbed his hand in both of mine and squeezed it gently, "I'm not going anywhere."

"I'm glad you're here," he said in a voice still weak, he noticed Aunt Jen and Julie behind me and said, "All of you."

"We're thankful that you're okay dear," Aunt Jen told him.

"You gave me a real scare," I said, "I don't want you to do that to me again."

Edric grinned, he said, "I hope I live long enough not to."

"Don't say that," I said, "Of course you will."

"Hmm," he looked at me and I suddenly realised we shared something not many people ever do, he said, "You look like shit."

I laughed softly, I said, "Well you don't look too bad yourself. Besides, you're the source of inspiration for my current appearance."

"I'm so sorry that I put you through all this," Edric said sadly, "I didn't mean to cause you any grief."

"What's life without a bit of drama, hey?" I joked.

Edric's face went grim and he looked away for a moment when he looked back he said, "I stood up for you, to my brother, I told him what I do with my life isn't his concern."

"You don't have to explain," I said, noticing the stress of talking about it was causing him pain.

"He was angry, we'd already lost our mother and pretty much our father and I was the only family he had left," Edric said, his face contorted in pain and the cardiac monitor began to beep faster.

"You don't have to tell me," I said trying to stop him from over exerting himself.

"We got into an argument and he said he was disappointed with me," Edric was breathing faster, the beeping from the damn machines was steadily increasing, still he continued, "He hit me from behind, and I fell, but he kept hitting me."

A doctor rushed in followed by several nurses.

"You have to make it through this," I said feeling my time with him grow short, "Don't you leave me here alone."

Edric's eyes were drooping, his breath was now coming to him in shorter gasps. He said in a bare whisper, "I don't regret anything."

A female nurse pulled me away, she said, "It's best you left the room for now."

Red graphics flashed across the screens of the hospital equipment as they beeped faster. The nurse didn't push me out of the room so I stayed a few metres by the door where Julie propped it open for Aunt Jen, they were just as hesitant to leave.

My head was spinning and a tightness in my chest was threatening to suffocate me. A nurse was preparing the defibrillators.

The doctor noticed me standing there and said to the female nurse, "Get them out of here, now."

She gently grabbed my arm and prepared to lead me out but I wasn't going to move. Edric was looking at me, his eyes conveyed a deep regret and I watched as the light in them slowly disappeared. Then the cardiac monitor flat-lined.

"No!" I screamed, I wanted to rush to his side but the nurse was restraining me with surprising strength, I extended my arms out instead trying to reach for him and grabbing nothing but air. Time slowed down to an agonising crawl as I watched the doctor rip open Edric's hospital robe and apply the defibrillator paddle again and again until at last he finally gave up. Edric was dead.

Chapter Eight

2006-03-03T20:13:00.000+10:00

The reflection staring back at me from the mirror was a complete stranger. My hair, dishevelled, clung to my sweaty forehead. Dark rings circled my red-rimmed eyes and staring into them I was struck by the feeling that I was looking into someone else's. I turned the tap on and lost myself in thought as the running water swirled down the drain. Almost an hour had passed since Edric was admitted into the emergency operating room. The police had already come and gone, their questions were probing and indifferent. To be under the questioning of police twice in such a short amount of time was enough for me to never want to see another cop again. What would they care about the best friend I've ever had lying unconscious in the emergency room? Best friend? Or was it more than that? Right now I didn't want to think about it, there were more pressing concerns to attend to.

I clenched my fists and noticed the blood on my hands had dried, caked, into flakes that were starting to peel. Edric's blood. It was only at that moment I completely realised the sad state of my appearance. Dark blood stains were smudged onto my once white undershirt, I looked down and noticed my jeans were also stained from above the knees to the hem. So much blood, how could someone who lost that much blood survive? No, I shouldn't start questioning the viability of Edric's survival. He will survive. He must.

Holding my hands under the running tap I rinsed the blood off them as best I could. The clear water turned red as it hit the basin and ran down the drain.
All of a sudden, the recent events replayed in my mind again like a sick joke.

* * *

"Please Edric," I pleaded, "Wake up, stay with me."

The front door banged against the wall with a thud as the sounds of people entering the house drifted down to the kitchen.

"Ambulance!" a shout called from down the hall.

I could hear everything around me, but I was only able focus on Edric, his breathing was growing shallower and I could feel my grip on reality slipping like the life I held in my hands.

"Jesus Christ!" someone said at the kitchen doorway. "We'll need to work quickly people . . ."

" . . . Check for any pre-existing medical problems," a male voice commanded, "Prep the backboard to immobilise the patient for transfer to stretcher, NOW!"

I felt a hand on my shoulder, squeezing it gently but I didn't turn my head to see whom it was. A face moved into my field of vision, a woman with blonde hair and pleasant features smiled at me.

"It's okay," she assured me, "We're here to help."

I looked at her as if finally realising I wasn't alone with Edric.

"We have to get him to the hospital immediately, but we can't do that if you're in the way," she said.

She took hold of my wrist and gave me a questioning look. I nodded because words wouldn't form. She wrapped an arm around me and helped me up, guiding me back from the paramedics.

I stood there alone, watching from the sidelines, from a perspective that was not my own. Slowly and surely I was becoming desensitised, there was nowhere else for my mind to run to. This was the only path I could take. The pain was almost bearable here.

I watched as the paramedics checked Edric's wounds. Was that white thing under his torn skin his skull?

They shifted him to a board and carefully moved it with him on it to the stretcher in one swift motion.

"Get on the radio and connect me to the doctor," the paramedic in charge said, "We may need medical direction on the way to the hospital."

I followed the paramedics out of the house to the awaiting ambulance parked outside.

The female paramedic turned to me and asked, "Are you going to be okay?"

I nodded.

"I suggest you call someone to drive you to the hospital," she said, "It may be hazardous for you to drive in your emotional state."

I nodded again.

She looked at me one last time, perhaps assessing my stability. Then she turned and hurried back into the ambulance.

It felt like a part of me was inside that ambulance as I watched it disappear into the distance. I wasn't a religious person, but I prayed for Edric's life, I even offered my own in exchange. My life was meaningless compared to the gentle soul that was being gambled with.

* * *

The cold water I splashed to a face that was beginning to grow a five o'clock shadow brought me back to the present. I wasn't doing any good reliving something so painful. I turned the tap off and dried my hands. Heading out of the restroom I was hoping the doctors would have some news for me by now. I waited for several anxious minutes longer in the emergency waiting room before a doctor appeared. He was the same doctor I recognised who was treating Edric.

I quickly went after him and asked, "How is he doctor?"

The doctor glanced at the receptionist who nodded her head. He turned back to me and said, "I'm afraid I don't have a great deal of good news for you."

"Please, I want to know," I said.

The doctor sighed wearily, he said, "He's still unconscious."

All of a sudden everything around me disappeared. That single phrase repeated itself in my head.

" . . . Has several broken ribs, some of which have punctured his lungs . . ."

Why was this happening?

" . . . Fortunately his lungs have not collapsed . . ."

It wasn't fair that Edric had no other family who cared.

" . . . Currently undergoing blood transfusion, we've done the best we could . . ."

No, I'm here for him and I'm not going anywhere.

" . . . Situation isn't getting better, but he's not getting any worse so we'll move him to intensive care shortly. I'm sorry, but we'll just have to wait and see what happens."

The doctor went silent, I realised he was waiting for a response, I asked, "He's not going to die is he?"

"It's complicated, all I can say is that he has a good chance of pulling through," the doctor replied.

"I understand," I lied. I knew the doctor was trying to say that Edric's chance of survival was equal to that of him dying.

I sat down on the seat after the doctor left, staring vacantly at the wall.

"Oh dear God," a familiar voice said nearby.

I looked up and saw Aunt Jen several metres away standing with a hand over her mouth. Julie stood next to her and the look of horror was something I rarely saw on my sister's face. I looked around to find out what had shocked them. Then I noticed the blood on my clothes and realised what had caused their reaction. I stood up and Aunt Jen rushed towards me, hugging me fiercely.

"Thank God you're alright," she said.

Julie hugged me as well, she said, "We came as soon as we could."

"How is Edric?" Aunt Jen asked.

"He's . . . still unconscious," I said.

Aunt Jen and Julie were both stricken with sad expressions and concern at the news.

"I can't believe this could happen," Aunt Jen said.

"Well it happened and nothing can change that," I said tired.

"Who would do such a thing?" Julie questioned to no one in particular.

I could feel the anger surge within me, through clenched teeth I said, "His brother did it to him, I swear if I find him I'll make him pay."

"March! You don't mean that!" Aunt Jen said, and then more quietly to herself, "Why would he do such a thing?"

I bit my lower lip and looked away, somehow I felt it was my fault, if I had never showed up at his house last night I wouldn't be here right now and Edric would be at home safe. But how safe? If this was what his brother was capable of, he could never be safe around him. That wasn't completely true, if the moment they shared the night before was the cause of his brother's actions, then it was my fault entirely. I walked away so Aunt Jen and Julie couldn't see my face. I was afraid they would notice the guilt that was written there.

"March?" Aunt Jen said from behind me, "Is something the matter?"

"No," I said, but of course, everything was the matter, "I just hope the police find his brother before I do."

Aunt Jen was quiet for a moment before absently saying to herself, "I never imagined this was how things would turn out."

I spun around. Her comment suggested she knew more than she was letting on. I said, "What are saying? Do you know something I don't?"

"Nonsense March, Aunt Jen wouldn't know anymore than I do," Julie said reproachfully.

I glared at Julie with such intensity she took a step back.

"I . . . don't want . . . anymore of your bullshit Aunt Jen," I said trying to control the rage that was building up, "You will tell me straight up what you know."

Julie said indignantly, "How dare you talk to Aunt -."

I cut her off with another glare, one sharp enough to bore holes in the wall.

Aunt Jen placed a hand on Julie's arm, she said, "It's okay dear, I really haven't been completely honest with March."

Then she said to me, "You must believe me, I didn't know this was going to happen."

"Then what do you know?" I asked.

"When I did your telling a few months ago," Aunt Jen paused trying to find the words, sighing she continued, "It revealed that someone close to you would suffer through a tragedy."

"What!" I said in a voice beginning to rise, "You knew something bad was going to happen and you didn't tell me!"

Aunt Jen put a finger to her lips, motioning for me to quiet down. She moved towards me reaching out to me with her other hand. I stepped back shaking my head to deny her. The glare I gave Julie was nothing compared to the one I was giving Aunt Jen. My vision had narrowed and I could feel my blood getting hotter underneath my skin.

"Please March, listen to me honey," Aunt Jen said, a pleading tone entering her voice, "I thought it was about the robbery, I thought that was the tragedy it was referring to, but it couldn't be because it was referring to . . ."

"Referring to what?" I asked coldly when she trailed off.

"You must believe me that I couldn't know it would turn out like this," Aunt Jen said, "I only knew that something bad would happen to someone in your life, someone you were close to."

"So you knew that something bad was going to happen to Edric!" I said loudly. I couldn't suppress my anger any longer and with vehemence I shouted, "WHY DIDN'T YOU FUCKING WARN ME? YOU COULD'VE PREVENTED THIS FROM HAPPENING! BUT LOOK AT WHAT'S FUCKING HAPPPENED -."

A sudden force knocked the sentence from completion and I found myself looking down my right shoulder. My left cheek was stinging and it took a moment for me to realise that Aunt Jen had slapped me.

"I'm sorry March," She said apologetically, "Please, you must calm down, no one is to blame here, and you can't change what has happened, there are forces at work here that even I don't understand."

I looked at her accusingly and continued to back away until I hit the wall. I couldn't cope with this, it was too much for me, I just wanted to run away and hide but there was nowhere to go. I slid down to the floor and hugged my knees close to me. The rage I had felt left as suddenly as it had come. My anger was gone and there was nothing left. Nothing. I could feel myself spiralling down, slipping into a void.

"Edric," I whispered. The longing to see his smiling face again ached so much the pain was unbearable. Hot tears slid down my face as I rocked back and forth.

Aunt Jen knelt down beside me and hugged me, holding my head to her chest while she soothed me. Never in my life could I remember feeling so scared and alone, even with Aunt Jen consoling me and uttering words of support. She could have been a complete stranger for all I cared, I still felt alone.

I was growing weary as I sat there with my head on Aunt Jen's chest, a deep fatigue was setting into me, penetrating through to my bones and the very core of me. It was a strange sensation, my head was growing lighter and something was tugging at me, pulling me inwards. I closed my eyes and suddenly, darkness reigned.

Chapter Seven

2006-03-03T20:12:00.001+10:00

Life has a funny way of turning your world upside down, and especially at just the moment when you think everything is working out really well. I could live with a few twists and turns here and there but too many at once would be way more than I could handle. How is it possible that in the midst of such turmoil I was able to find a single source of happiness? The implications of what had happened last night was pushed to the back of my mind, it was almost as if I refused to contemplate what they may mean. All I wanted to do was see how things were going to turn out, I was exploring things I never imagined was possible and I couldn't allow my fear of the consequences get in the way. I know that to some, where I was going may be a path of sin, but I wasn't a religious person; hell is only what you make it.

The sky outside was clear and the wind was not as frantic as yesterday, it was a pleasant change from the recent bad weather. I literally bounced into the kitchen where Aunt Jen and Julie were quietly chatting. The look of depression on my sister's face dropped me back down to reality.

"I'm really sorry that I allowed all this to happen," I apologised to Julie as I sat down.

"It's not your fault March," Julie said, "You're not responsible for something someone else did."

"That's right," Aunt Jen agreed, "That boy took advantage of your kindness, there was nothing you could do, so don't beat yourself over it."

"I just don't understand why this would happen to us," I said to myself.

"The only thing we can do, dear," Aunt Jen said, "Is to learn from our experiences."

"But what are we supposed to learn from this?" Julie asked, speaking my mind exactly.

"Honey," Aunt Jen said, "That's what we must all find out for ourselves, it's what will make us better people."

"Still," Julie said, "We'll probably never see the jewellery again, it's probably in the hands of some filthy heroin dealer."

Trying to hide a smile I said, "Maybe, but we were insured for them."

Julie's head whipped up in shock as she looked at me and asked, "What? Since when did we have insurance?"

"Since a few months ago, I forgot to tell you about it and I didn't get a chance to let you know last night because you were already in bed by the time I got home," I replied, "But I talked to mum about it and she's going to make the claim when she has some free time, so we'll be getting a pretty big payout for the stolen jewellery."

"That's great," Julie said her face beaming with excitement for a moment before her face fell into a slight frown. "It still doesn't change the fact we'll never see the heirlooms again."

"No it doesn't," I said smiling again, "But mum had them evaluated and I'm telling you we're gonna get a payout on the far end of a five digit figure, maybe more."

"You're kidding!" Julie said in shock again, "I can't believe it! Do you know what we could do with that money?"

I nodded, "We could get this house fixed up and more."

Aunt Jen was staring at me as we talked, she said, "March dear, I can't help but noticing that you aren't as upset as your sister this morning, did something else happen last night?"

I felt my cheeks redden as I remembered. I said, "Uh, no Aunt Jen, nothing much, I just went to . . . I went to Edric's house and talked to him for a bit."

Aunt Jen studied me as I sat playing with the tablecloth. I was beginning to feel uncomfortable, I felt as though she knew exactly what happened, but how could she?

"Aunt Jen, would you stop that?!" I said finally.

"Stop what dear?" Aunt Jen said innocently.

"Stop looking at me like that!" I told her, "It's creeping me out."

"And why would it make you uncomfortable dear?" She asked with a grin on her face. If I didn't know her as well as I did, I would almost say it was a knowing grin.

"Okay," Julie said confused, "Am I missing something here."

"No you're not," I said, "Aunt Jen is just teasing me again."

"March, you know I would never do that to you," Aunt Jen said convincingly.

"There you go again!" I said in a playful sulk, "Stop patronising me!"

Aunt Jen chuckled, she said, "Okay dear, you're so easy to tease."

"I don't get it," Julie said, "You're all talking another language to me."

"You should be used to that by now," I joked.

"You're so funny March," Julie said sarcastically.

"Yeah, I know," I said, "It's part of my charm."

Julie pretended to vomit and Aunt Jen raised an eyebrow.

"Don't even start," I said to Aunt Jen, "Not a word."

"I don't know what you're talking about," she said pretending to be confused, "Would you care to explain it to me."

"You see," Julie said, "Even Aunt Jen doesn't understand you sometimes."

Aunt Jen and I both looked at Julie. She knew something had happened and was trying to get me to spill the beans. She could try all she wanted, but even I wasn't completely sure what had happened, I was just happy to ride the waves at the moment until I could figure it out.

Julie pouted, she said, "Okay, I give up, you're both crazy."

I laughed and said, "I have to go to uni now, I'm gonna pick up Edric first."

"Can you put some petrol in the car while you have it?" Julie asked.

I sighed, put my hand out and said, "Money?"

She handed the petrol money and the keys to my outstretched hand and I put them in my pocket.

"I'll see you all later then," I said to Aunt Jen and Julie as I prepared to leave.

"Bye," Julie said.

Aunt Jen had a grin on her face, she said, "See you dear."

I drove off and stopped at a petrol station to refuel so I wouldn't forget later. It was a good thing that Edric's house was on the way to uni so it wasn't inconvenient to drop past, but even if he lived on the other side of town I would still have picked him up because I was just the kind of person who would go out of my way to do things for people.

As I neared his house I noticed an old black ute at the front. A man came out of the house and I recognised him as Edric's brother. I had only seen him on several occasions because he worked afternoon shifts, though I never talked to him. He seemed like the kind of person who kept to himself and didn't bother exchanging pleasantries. He was probably on his way to work now. Most afternoon shifts started around this time. I stepped out of the car and gave him a polite smile and a nod.

"Hi," I said trying not to sound nervous. This guy was big and he could probably easily intimidate anyone he came across.

He looked at me while he walked to his car without blinking. The way he stared at me was more of a glare, and before he opened his car door he sneered at me with pure hatred. I almost took a step back; it was a shock to receive that kind of greeting from someone who didn't know you. He opened his car door and threw something in the passenger seat. I realised it was a baseball bat, I didn't notice before because he was carrying it behind his arm and I was more intent on looking at his face. He drove off in a squeal of burning rubber, leaving me standing there confused at what just happened.

I shook my head and started off towards the house. Some things weren't worth dwelling upon. When I reached the porch, I rapped on the door and strangely the door opened inwards marginally from the slight force. I sensed something wasn't right as my heart began to beat faster.

I pushed the door open further and called out uneasily, "Edric?"

Nothing. The house was quiet.

"Edric?" I called out again, louder this time.

Still nothing. The slight wind that blew earlier had died down and even the sounds of nearby traffic appeared to have ceased. Everything was eerily quiet. Everything but the pounding of my heart that seemed louder than thunder.

I stepped inside the house cautiously. I didn't like entering someone's house uninvited, but Edric was supposed to be home and it wasn't like him to leave the house if he knew I was going to be coming.

"Edric?" I said again, a hint of fear entering my voice, "Are you there?"

No answer.

I checked the lounge room. It was empty. He wasn't in his bedroom either. The kitchen was at the back, I walked there hurriedly and slowed down as I neared. The open doorway didn't show anything out of place I could see a pot boiling on the stove but when I looked on the ground my heart almost stopped. I could see smudges of red on the kitchen tiles near a pool of liquid equally as red. I ran into the kitchen and almost fell over when I came to a stop. The image that greeted me would forever be burned in my memory. My breath caught in my throat and a strangled cry escaped my mouth. Lying on the floor in pool of blood was Edric. His body lay in an awkward position and his head looked like it took a heavy beating. There was a large gash on one side of his head and his face was swollen on the other side.

I took my shirt off without thought and knelt down next to him. Tears blurred my vision as I gently raised his head up to wrap my shirt around the gash. I struggled to blink the tears away so I could see what I was doing but still they came, silently dripping down onto Edric's face. I could feel his blood seeping through the fabric of my jeans as I knelt there. My hands were covered in the dark liquid. It was warm; the residue of its heat still remained.

"Oh God no, oh God no," I could hear myself muttering over and over again but I wasn't aware that the words were coming out of my mouth.

Edric opened his eyes then, and in a weak voice he struggled to speak, "March?"

"Shhh," I said. A giggle escaped from me like it would a madman in a straight jacket, I felt like I was watching everything from a distance, "Don't say anything, I'm going to call the ambulance, try to stay with me now."

I put his head down with a tenderness I thought I couldn't manage. I was reacting unusually well considering the sea of fear that roiled inside me. Picking up the phone on the kitchen bench nearby I dialled triple zero.

An automated voice on the other end spoke, "To speak to the police, press one, to speak to an ambulance operator, press two -."

I quickly pressed two. Another automated voice, "We will be with you shortly, please hold while an ambulance operator becomes available -."

"Fuck!" I yelled out with frustration. It felt like an eternity before someone picked up the line and when I finally heard a voice on the other end, the greatest sense of relief overwhelmed me.

"Emergency ambulance service, can I help you?"

"Thank God," I said, my words were running into each other while I tried to speak as fast as I could, "You have to come here quick, my friend is hurt badly and he has lost a lot of blood, please, you have to hurry."

"Okay stay calm," the operator said soothingly, "Where are you?"

I gave her the address. She said, "We'll dispatch an ambulance as soon as we can, the important thing is that you try and stop the bleeding, and don't move him"

"Yes, yes, I've done that," I said hurriedly, "Please, please get here as soon as you can."

I hung up leaving a bloody print on the handset and returned to Edric. His eyes were still open but his breathing was erratic. I knelt down next to him again, put one hand under his head and held his hand with the other.

"I thought you weren't going to come," Edric said, he was forcing the words out even though it was painful for him to do so.

I smiled in an attempt to appear nonchalant but it was far from the worried concern I really felt. I said, "I'm here now, don't talk, save your strength."

"A neighbour saw us last night," Edric said and coughed, blood seeped from the corners of his mouth. Dread suddenly gripped my heart. I was afraid that he was bleeding internally. And of what he was going to say next. He continued, weaker this time, "They told my brother, we argued, he . . . did this."

Anger surged within me, my pulse raced and I fought to keep my feelings under control. Instead I said, "Shhh, don't try to explain, just stay with me now."

Edric squeezed my hand weakly. I smiled but my mouth quivered at the corners. He took a deep painful breath, closed his eyes and went limp as he fell unconscious.

"Edric!" I cried out, "Edric, wake up, please wake up, come on wake up!"

New tears formed as I cried kneeling beside him. Pain flared within my chest and throbbed relentlessly. I drew my breath in great racking sobs. The tears streamed down my cheeks as I whimpered Edric's name over and over again. In the distance the wailing of an ambulance siren grew louder as it drew nearer. I didn't notice though, my world had already fallen to pieces once, and again now, for the second time.

Chapter Six

2006-03-03T20:12:00.000+10:00

A scream pierced the tranquil evening with the sharpness of a knife. The quiet shattered into pieces as the screeching turned into a mournful wail. I swiftly rose from the chair where I was sitting with such speed it began to tilt backwards. I was out the door before it could fall, running to the bathroom where I believed the scream originated from. Julie stood in front of the sink staring at the open medicine cabinet. Her face drained of blood and her knuckles equally as white gripped the rim of the basin.

"What's wrong?" I asked concerned and slightly bewildered.

Slowly, Julie turned to face me, she pointed to something in the medicine cabinet and said, "It's gone."

"What's gone?" I said stepping inside to take a look.

"The jewellery," She struggled to say, "It's not in the jewellery box. It's gone."

A buzzing sounded in my ear, disappeared, and then a voice, ("Do you mind if I use your toilet I've been having some bad stomach aches man.")

Chad.

"March?" I heard Julie call to me, yet she sounded distant.

I looked at Julie as I remembered where I was. I said, "Sorry, what did you say?"

"I asked you if you've seen the jewellery," She said.

I shook my head.

Julie's face was gradually returning to its normal colour. She strode out of the bathroom leaving me there.

"Nooo!" Julie shrieked from mum's bedroom.

I leaped out of the bathroom into mum's room. Julie was searching the jewellery boxes on the makeup stand.

"Are they gone too," I asked even though I knew the answer.

"All of them," Julie said angrily, "Even the heirlooms!"

I leaned against the door to support myself, I didn't trust my knees to keep me up.

"How did this happen?" Julie asked herself, "Who would do this?"

"Chad," the name popped out of my mouth.

"What?" Julie said, "The junkie?"

I stared at the ground and then said, "He was here yesterday."

"In our house!" Julie yelped.

"Yeah," I said without looking up.

"I don't understand," Julie said confused, then accusingly, "You let him in!"

I whipped my head up, defensively I said, "I never invited him and I never asked him to come in either."

"He's robbed us," Julie said, "What are we going to do?"

"Call the police," I told her, "I'm going to take your car and find him."

"Shouldn't you let the police do that?" Julie asked worriedly.

"I wanna hear what he has to say for himself first," I said, "Just call the police, I'll be back soon."

As I drove to Chad's house the reality of the whole situation hadn't sunk in completely yet, I was still finding it hard to believe that he would rob my family. I grew up with this guy, I remember when we used to play around and have fun together as kids. It was just too hard for me to accept, and too much to take in.

It was only a fifteen minute drive to Chad's house and as I pulled up into the driveway, the sun was beginning to set. The smell of a home cooked dinner wafted towards me from the house and I could hear the sounds of dinner being prepared as I walked up to the front door and knocked on it.

Chad's mother answered the door. She was wiping her hands on a tea towel. She said, "Oh, March, I haven't seen you in a while, is something the matter?"

"Is Chad here?" I asked.

"No, I'm sorry," She looked behind her, then said in a quieter voice, "We received word that he left rehab early, but if you see him would you let us know?"

"He was at my house yesterday," I said, I was loath to break the news to her but it was either me or the police who told her, and I didn't want her to find out from the cops, "He robbed my house while I was busy with something in the backyard, he's probably stolen thousands of dollars worth of jewellery."

The tea towel she was holding dropped to the floor as she covered her mouth with her hands. She said in a pained voice that told of the inner turmoil she had suffered with her son's past actions, "I'm so sorry, March, I'm so sorry . . ."

"I have to go," I said before she could finish, "The cops are probably there now."

I left without saying goodbye. I drove home slowly, trying to stretch the time it would take to get there. I was trying to feel angry, but there was only an emptiness inside of me. I knew my blood should be boiling, and rage should be building up inside, but instead I felt only a lethargic numbness throughout my body. I had been betrayed. My trust had been abused. It was a shock to think that this could happen to me. I always believed that everyone should have the benefit of the doubt, and I really gave that to Chad. But he lied. I thought he was different now, that he'd changed. He lied. I was a fool to think that I could trust him again, after all this time.

There was a police car parked at the front of the house. My mum was home and I parked the car behind hers. Mum was sitting with her arms around Julie on the stairs that led to the veranda. Two cops stood in front of them scribbling on their black leather notebooks. The female officer headed towards me as I stepped out of the car.

"We need to ask you some questions," the female officer said.

I answered as truthfully as I could, explaining everything that happened the day before and what I learnt from Chad's mother. It was cold and I hugged myself to keep from shivering. When the officer finished questioning me, she assured me the police force would do what they could to help and I thanked her.

Mum and Julie were crying on the stairs and when I caught mum's gaze I could see the sorrow and loss written clearly on her face. Her stare was haunting. Even though she would never blame me for the incident, I still felt it was my fault. I knew there was no one else to blame. I took a step back. I couldn't bear to see the suffering that I'd caused. I had to get out of here, go somewhere else, anywhere but here; I couldn't stay. Abruptly, I turned around and jumped into the car. I drove off and didn't look back. Driving helped to keep my mind off the current events, and so I drove around aimlessly for a while. On the streets no one cared who you were, no one knew where you were going or where you came from. I suddenly noticed that the suburb I was driving in looked familiar and I realised that Edric lived close by. I knew the area because I dropped him home on a lot of occasions whenever he came over my house to study. Making a quick decision, I decided to visit him for a chat.

The streets were darker in this suburb and there wasn't a lot of traffic. I parked the car in front of his house and gingerly made my way to the front door. I knocked on the door, hoping I wasn't interrupting anything. The porch lights came on and Edric opened the door, smiling as he saw me. When he noticed the grim look on my face he immediately stepped outside, concerned.

"What's wrong?" he asked, worry in his voice.

I didn't say anything for a moment, I was afraid I would break down in front of him.

"March," Edric said softly, "You can tell me."

"It's all my fault," I whispered. I felt helpless, I wasn't sure I could hold the façade any longer.

"I'm here for you," he told me, "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but come inside, it's cold out here."

I stared at the ground. I couldn't make myself look at Edric. I was ashamed and he was too good a friend for me to burden my troubles with. Then it came, the emotions I tried so hard to suppress until now, and I covered my face to hide my shame. Tears wet my fingers as I cried standing there. I sobbed with the pain of all my sorrow and all the anguish that I denied myself since my betrayal.

I felt arms envelope me, holding me tightly and I held fast to Edric in return. I cried on his shoulder, feeling weak I thought I would fall, slip from his arms and I knew that if I hit the ground I wouldn't be able to get back up, but he held on to me firmly, supporting my weight. He spoke no words; instead, he stood with me in my moment of weakness, never letting me go. I never knew anyone as understanding as Edric, I felt naked with him, there was nothing I could hide from him, he knew my pain and felt it too. Gently, he rocked me back and forth, soothing me, letting me release the hurt. I cried harder, another surge of emotion was sweeping through me, and still he held me. When it felt like I could cry no more, and the pain I felt was chased away by the warmth of his embrace, I began telling him what had happened.

Exhausted, I said into his ear, "Someone betrayed me."

"March," he said soothingly, "I'm here."

Shutting my eyes I said, "He was an old friend that I hadn't seen for a long time. He turned into a heroin junkie a few years ago and I never saw him since."

"Go on," Edric said.

"He came over my house yesterday and acted like everything was normal," I was struggling to get the words out, Edric caressed my back in encouragement, "I . . . I never let him in, he came in . . . and . . . I didn't ask him to come in."

"It's okay," Edric told me.

"But that's the thing!" I said in frustration, "It's not okay, he stole my mum's and my sister's jewellery while I was fixing the hot water system outside!"

"Oh God no," he said, shocked.

"I know, and it's all my fault," I could feel the tears that I thought were spent returning again.

"Hey," Edric said, "You shouldn't blame yourself, it's not your fault."

"It is, I was stupid to trust him and leave him alone, and I even lent him a hundred dollars, but I guess I'll never see that again" I said, I couldn't keep my feelings under control and cried again.

Edric pulled me back half an arms length to observe me. I couldn't meet his gaze, so I cast mine downwards. He wiped the tears away from under my eyes, cupped my face with his hands and turned it to his. I was too ashamed to make eye contact.

"March," Edric said, "Look at me."

I couldn't do it.

"Look at me," he repeated more firmly.

Tentatively, I did so. His face radiated with a concern that seemed to pierce my defences. For a moment, the invisible walls around me dissolved and I felt his presence enter the private place that was my sanctuary. I was vulnerable here. This was where I shielded myself from everyone, yet he penetrated those walls with delicate care. He stared into my eyes. His glowed like the stars.

"You are not stupid," he said, his voice echoed inside my head as though he spoke there, "None of this is your fault, it could never be your fault."

"I still feel like a fool," I said.

"You are not a fool," Edric told me, "Far from it, you are the kindest and most trusting soul I have ever met. Ever since we became friends, I have never felt afraid to be who I am around you. You showed me that my life is worth letting people into, you taught me that there are people who are worth getting close to, despite the fact that there are so many who don't really care. You don't know this, but I have cherished our friendship, the trust you put in me is something I never have and never will take for granted."

The wind blew softly through the trees as Edric took a deep breath. I knew he was searching for the right words to say.

He continued, "What I'm trying to say is that I feel like I've known you all my life, but it's more than that, it feels like I've known you for an eternity, and I can't think of the future without a friend like you in it."

I smiled, glad that he felt just as I did. I said, "That's kinda funny, I think I know what you're talking about."

Edric laughed, he said, "Now you are being a fool, you know exactly what I'm talking about."

He pressed his forehead against mine and I noticed his green eyes were a lighter colour than I first thought. I felt I could easily lose myself in them. I don't remember how long we looked at each other, but something was changing. No, it felt more like something was falling into place like pieces of an obscure jigsaw puzzle. Then he leaned closer and I tilted my head. Our lips met and the world was lost to me. It was strange, I never thought of myself doing this, somehow it just felt right. No matter how wrong some people thought this was, they would never know how deep the bond we shared was.

When we parted, Edric seemed abashed. He said, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that, I don't usually do that kind of thing."

"It was . . ." I paused to find the right word, though when I couldn't think of one I said instead, "Nice."

"Really?" he said, "You're not angry at me for that."

"Yes really, in fact -," I pulled him to me and showed him again that I didn't mind at all. I broke away after a time and breathless I said, "I liked it. But I have to go."

"Already?" he asked regretfully, "Stay with me."

"I want to, but I should get home and make sure everything's alright," I said, "The car is free so I'll come pick you up for uni tomorrow though."

We said our goodbyes and I left smiling at the unexpected but positive turn of events.

Chapter Five

2006-03-03T20:11:00.000+10:00

Summer was winding down and the encroaching autumn weather was already beginning to show its effects. The trees once abundant with green leaves were now turning brown and littering the ground with its passing glory. Soon only the evergreen flora would remain to stand testimony to the passing season, while the rest are stripped of their foliage, naked as they await the return of spring. The sun was setting earlier as the days grew shorter and the shadows cast by it's dying light merged with the darkness of night ever more eagerly. Life in every corner of the neighbourhood shrank back to seclusion as people settled in to their normal routines. The streets were quieter, the parks empty, the children played indoors, the sounds of summer were dissipating. Storm clouds were gathering in the overcast sky, winter was still far away, but the blanket of darkness that covered the city was an omen of coming disaster.

"Do you think it's going to rain today?" I asked Julie.

"The news said it was just going to be cloudy." Julie stated.

"And when have they ever been right?"

"Touché."

"Still, I'm glad I don't have any uni today," I said, "Gives me time to study for the exam."

"Just don't put the music on loud after I leave for work, I'm sick of the neighbours complaining to me all the time," Julie told me.

"Okay, okay," I said noncommittally.

After Julie left I was about to turn the stereo on when someone knocked on the door. It was an old friend I hadn't seen in a long time.

"Chad," I said surprised, "It's been a while, what are doing here?"

I didn't want to sound blunt but this was the guy who became a heroin junkie and stopped associating with his childhood friends several years ago, myself included.

"I just wanted to see you March," he explained, "You know, catch up on old times."

He appeared clean and healthy, it didn't seem like he was on drugs but I was still cautious, I didn't want to invite him in.

"Yeah?" I said, "What have you been up to?"

"I've just been back from rehab and I'm living with my parents for now," he said, he looked over my shoulder to see inside my house. "Have you got anything I can drink? I'm a bit thirsty."

I hesitated for a moment before saying, "Yeah, hold on a moment.

Chad followed behind me and I cursed myself for opening the screen door. It was rude of him to enter the house uninvited.

"So you're still living here after all this time, huh," Chad said.

"Yeah, I don't want to leave my mum by herself," I said through gritted teeth.

In the kitchen I poured a glass of cold spring water from the fridge and handed it to Chad.

"You got any juice?" he said instead of taking the water.

I forced myself to remain civil and smiled without emotion, "Sure, I'll get you a juice instead."

"Cheers mate," he said. He looked around the room as if surveying it, "Nice place you got here, looks different."

"It's still the same," I said, "You just haven't been here for a while."

I grabbed another glass and poured some juice for Chad. I couldn't help but feel like Chad wasn't here to talk.

"So, have you seen any of the other guys yet?" I asked.

"Nah, I just got back a few days ago, rehab was a drag," Chad said. "Do you remember that time when we went camping in the bush with Dave and I tried to take a picture of you taking a dump?"

I smiled, remembering, "And I chased you around the campsite with an axe until I gave up."

"Yeah, we got so drunk that night, we drank two cartons of beer between the three of us," he said.

"Those were the good old days," I said, reminiscing.

"Yeah, I hope you don't think bad of me for being drug fucked," he said, "I really want to make it up to everyone for turning my back on you all."

I wasn't expecting him to say that. I said, "Everyone is entitled to a second chance."

"Thanks, you don't know what that means to me," Chad said. "Do you mind if I use your toilet? I've been having some bad stomach aches man."

"Yep, you know where it is," I said.

"Thanks man," he said and headed to the bathroom.

Even though we last saw each other a few years ago, Chad appeared better than before. I remember that he was always doped up on heroin, he was never straight enough to hold a decent conversation. I still felt unsure about his visit. People just don't turn up after a few years and expect to rebuild their burnt bridges.

I sipped on the glass of water pondering his ulterior motives, I knew I shouldn't be so suspicious and he did ask for a second chance. It wasn't in my nature to hold a grudge and I was a very trusting person. Maybe things might be different this time, we could never change the past, but we could always make the right choices now. Chad came back into the kitchen wiping his wet hands on his jeans.

"Your hot water isn't working mate," he said.

"Aargh, shit," I swore, "The pilot light probably went out again, it gets like that when it's windy and I've been meaning to fix the cover."

"You could do it anytime dude," he said.

"I know," I said. I didn't want to keep the pilot light leaking gas, even though it was only a minimal amount. "Can you wait here while I turn the hot water back on?"

"Yeah, whatever man," he said, "Do your stuff."

"Won't be long," I said grabbing a box of matches from a drawer.

The wind was blowing fiercely outside. It was going to prove more difficult than I thought to keep the flames on the matchsticks alight. The hot water system was old and needed replacement, it was on it's last legs but we only kept it running for now until it kicked the bucket and forced us to replace it. The cover needed to be screwed off rather than slid out like modern systems, proving an attestation of its age. The pilot light was out as predicted. The wind blew most of the matchsticks out as I lit them and the ones that I could keep lit weren't long enough to reach the pilot light. Normally I used a box of extra long matches but those ran out a while ago and I forgot to stock up on more.

I returned to the kitchen to find some satay sticks because they were longer and should reach the pilot light. Chad was sitting at the kitchen table reading the local weekly newspaper.

"Sorry about this dude, I shouldn't be too long," I apologised.

"That's okay mate," Chad said simply.

"If you're hungry you can grab whatever you can find from the fridge," I said.

"I'm alright," he said, "I've already eaten."

I returned to the backyard to try again with the pilot light. The wind was still proving difficult at keeping the flame on the satay sticks lit and after burning down several sticks to only a few centimetres I succeeded in getting the pilot light lit.

Triumphantly I went back inside. Chad was leaning against the kitchen bench examining his fingernails. I noticed that almost half an hour had passed while I was attempting to turn the hot water back on.

I sat down at the kitchen table and an awkward silence hovered in the air between us.

"Look, I was wondering if I could ask a favour from you March," he said.

A knot developed in my stomach, I was too afraid to ask what he wanted.

"I'm in a real bind, and I was hoping to borrow some money from you," he was staring at the floor as he asked.

"Money?" I said shocked, "How much are we talking?"

"Well, I just want to know if you have any money at all I could borrow," he said without saying exactly how much.

"Can't you get some money off your parents?" I asked.

"They won't give me money anymore and you're the only one I could think of to ask," he said, "Come on man, I'll pay you back in a few days I just need some money now to buy food and other stuff."

"How much do want?"

"A hundred bucks."

I didn't say anything for a moment. Choosing my words carefully I said, "I have money, but I need them to pay for bills, I don't have much left after paying for my textbooks."

"Please March," Chad pleaded, "I really need the money."

Here it was, his ulterior motive laid out for me to see. I closed my eyes and tried to assess the situation. I knew that I would eventually give in and help him. I wasn't the kind of person to say no, everyone knew I was a generous person; it was one of my weaknesses.

"Okay," I said. Sighing I fetched the money from my wallet and handed it to Chad, "But you have to pay me back soon, I really need it to pay the bills."

"No problems mate," he said smiling, "Thanks man. I've gotta go home now, so I'll catch you around."

Watching Chad leave, I couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't right. The knot in my stomach was gone yet I felt even uneasier than before. Something I couldn't figure out had slipped between my fingers unnoticed. The wind was blowing with a vengeance, it wasn't going to rain but the feeling of foreboding remained.

Chapter Four

2006-03-03T20:10:00.000+10:00

The morning was quiet and still as if it had taken a deep breath and was waiting release it. The weather was forecast to be hot today, and I could already feel the warmth seeping in through the open window. It was a preview of the imminent heat. Although summer was almost over, it wasn't going to pass without one last attempt at wringing out a final heatwave. Alone in my room, the only sounds I could hear were the birds chirping outside and the clock ticking the time away. I lay in bed for some time just thinking about nothing in particular. I have a lot of these moments, times when my only company are my thoughts. This morning felt different somehow, rather than brooding about things that were out of my control, I was actually enjoying the quiet solitude.

After finally getting out of bed, I took a shower and made myself some breakfast. The house was empty with both my mother and my sister out at work. I put the CD player on random to fill the silence of the empty house. If there were anything I hated more about being at home by myself, it would have to be the lack of noise. Sure, I always complained when Aunt Jen and my sister were being loud, but deep down I didn't really mind, I always felt better knowing there were people around.

I set about on some house cleaning before Edric arrived. I had invited him over to do some research on the assignment due in three weeks when I discovered that we both had a day off today. I was surprised when he agreed to come, I would have been just as happy to study at uni. Besides, I was going to cook a big lunch for Aunt Jen and my sister who was only working a short shift, so I convinced him to come over and help eat because I usually make too much and always ended up with leftovers. The rising heat of the day caused me to sweat slightly as I did the chores. I turned the air conditioner on before the house became too hot to bear.

There was still an hour to kill before Edric would arrive. I figured I'd get a head start with the assignment and switched on the computer to search the university's psychology databases for reference material. With the music turned up so loud and my concentration focused on the research I was surprised I could hear the knock at the door. I turned the volume down on the stereo; I didn't want Edric to go deaf.

He stood at the doorway immaculately dressed in fashionable hipster jeans and an almost tight light blue polo shirt. He'd let his facial hair grow into a short stubble yet he'd shaved the edges to neaten it, but his goatee was still longer than the stubble hair, which created a contrasting and layered look. His hair was styled for the first time since I met him, it actually looked really good and I was going to make a joke about him turning into a metrosexual but I didn't want to offend him. It was good to see him, and although I didn't react irrationally dumbfounded like I did the first time I saw him, the sight of him instantly made me feel happier and at ease.

I opened the door smiling and held my hand out for a handshake. I said, "Hey Edric, I'm glad you could make it."

"It wasn't hard to find, the bus stop was just around the corner," he said, firmly shaking my hand.

"Well come in then," I said, ushering him in. "I started on the research earlier, you can go over my notes if you want."

"Sure, I'll take a look at them," he said.

"Or you can hop on the computer and check out some databases," I offered alternatively. "You can use my references if you want."

"Hey, slow down tiger," Edric said, "I can only do one thing at a time."

"Sorry mate," I said, "I get like that when I'm left alone for too long."

"So you've got the house to yourself?" he asked.

"Not for long, my sister will be back from work soon and my aunt will be over before lunch." I replied.

"I take it there's no party then?" Edric questioned, faking disappointment.

"Hmm no, nice try buddy," I said, "But we've got study to do."

"You're a kill joy, you know that?"

"Thanks, but that's not why everyone loves me."

"Yeah? Why does everyone love you March?"

"Why does the world turn? Why does the sun set? That's just the way things are meant to be."

"Please, you're killin' me," Edric said, "I'm expecting your food to do that."

"Hey," I said feigning hurt, "Don't knock it till you try it."

"Yes, I'm sure you won't try to poison me," he said. "Okay then, let's start on this assignment."

We spent the next hour on our first piece of assessment. I worked on my notes while Edric searched the psychology databases. When I noticed midday approaching I told Edric that I needed to start preparing lunch. He asked me if I wanted any help but I told him not to worry and to keep working on the assignment. He did for a little while before he came into the kitchen to ask again if I wanted any help.

"Okay," I finally relented, "If you really want to help you can wash the salad leaves for me."

"Great," he said, "I hate feeling useless."

"You're a guest, you don't have to help mate." I said.

"No, I want to," he said.

At that moment Julie arrived home in a fluster. Work was sometimes stressful for her. She barged into the kitchen noisily and rummaged through the fridge for a drink.

"Oh hello," she said upon noticing Edric. "I'm March's older sister, Julie."

Edric introduced himself, "Hi, I'm Edric. You look younger than March."

"Yeah, people always think he's older than me," Julie explained.

"You've got a funny accent, where do you come from?" Julie asked.

"Julie, don't be rude," I chided her.

Edric smiled, he said, "It's alright, I've lived here all my life. But I'm of Russian descent, half Russian half Aussie actually."

"Ah," Julie said. "Don't I feel stupid."

"You are stupid," I muttered under my breath.

"I heard that squirt," Julie said to me.

I stuck my tongue out at her.

"Mature," Julie said. "Well hurry up with lunch, I'm hungry. I'm going to take a shower, it's damn hot out there."

"Good idea madam stinky," I said to Julie as she left the kitchen.

"Mature," Julie said behind her.

"Well," Edric said, "Your sister seems nice."

"Hmph," I disagreed. "Try annoying."

"I wish I had a sister," he said, half to himself.

"Yeah?" I had to ask, "So your background is Russian?"

"Yep," he said, and slowly as if considering his words, "They moved here with my older brother before I was born because my mother wanted to return to Australia."

"How are your parents?" I asked.

"My mother died a few years ago and my father is in a mental hospital suffering from acute schizophrenia," Edric said calmly.

I put down the knife I was using to cut the vegetables and turned around to face Edric. He had a serene expression on his face that didn't reflect the ill news he'd delivered at all. I sensed that he wasn't at pains with what he'd just said. It was as if he was at peace with himself and what he'd suffered.

"God, I'm sorry," I apologised. "I shouldn't have asked."

"That's okay," he said without distress, "It's the past, water under the bridge."

"You're amazing you know," I said in admiration, "I don't know what I would've done."

"What you know would need to be done," Edric said with conviction. Then he smiled a smile that could melt away any worries and said, "But what you can do now is finish cooking, I'm kind of hungry too."

"Right boss," I said.

The food was ready in time for lunch and I set it out on the table. It looked like a banquet with the steaming roast, vegetables, salad and soup occupying a majority of the kitchen table. Aunt Jen arrived just in time, Julie let her in and they started talking noisily as usual.

"And who would this be?" Aunt Jen asked pleasantly, she was concentrating on Edric, probably checking his aura. "March, you never said you were having any visitors."

"Well you're here aren't you?" I joked. "This is Edric, he does the same course as me at uni. We're working on an assignment together."

"It's lovely to meet you dear, I'm March's aunt Jennifer, but you can call me Jen," She smiled but there was something about the way she was looking at Edric that gave me the impression she knew something about him. She said, "You're a very good looking young man, if I were younger I would be chasing you to no end!"

Edric blushed and looked away. Aunt Jen didn't usually say such things, it was quite out of character for her, it seemed almost as though she was measuring him or scrutinising his reaction from the expectant look on her face.

"I'm flattered," Edric said, "Uhm, thanks."

"Let's eat then," I said to keep Aunt Jen from embarrassing Edric any further.

Everyone agreed and we all sat down for lunch. Aunt Jen bombarded Edric with questions, but I could tell she was being tactful about it. I rolled my eyes and apologised to Edric on many occasions. He didn't seem to mind, he was enjoying the friendly banter and he asked a lot of questions himself. He was genuinely interested in Aunt Jen's spiritual beliefs and asked her to explain the concept of coincidences and auras.

"We are as human's spiritually evolving, waking up to a higher consciousness," Aunt Jen said, "Many people are finding more often that the coincidences in their lives hold more meaning than they first thought. The universe is an extension of our wills and what we project manifests itself in our lives. For instance, questions we may have are mysteriously answered in random coincidental events, such as receiving a phone call by an old friend or colleague who holds those answers. Or someone we need to speak to urgently, appear to us when we don't expect them."

"That's so true," Edric commented.

"Yes, so you see," Aunt Jen continued, "Our experiences and coincidences all prepare and encourage our birth visions for which we came into this world to fulfil. We have lived many lives and each time learning more as we attempt to evolve ourselves and the world we live in."

"You are a very wise person," Edric complimented, "I'm honoured to have met you."

"No I'm honoured to have met you," Aunt Jen returned. "I'm sure we will all learn and grow from the experiences we have with each other."

"I know that you have opened my eyes much more," Edric said, "March is lucky to have you as an aunt."

"Hah," I said. "Should be the other way around!"

"Interesting that your head grew two sizes bigger when you said that," Julie said.

"Gotta fit my big brain in don't it?" I said getting up to put my plate away.

"My brother has delusions so don't take any notice of it Edric," Julie whispered to him.

Aunt Jen collected the empty plates from the table and I went about storing the leftovers in the fridge.

"Thanks for lunch March," Edric said, "You should've been a chef, that was a great meal."

"No worries, it was nothing," I said, slightly embarrassed by the compliment, "I like to cook for people."

Aunt Jen raised an eyebrow upon overhearing my comment. I glared at her and she chuckled.

"Let's go and leave these two to study in peace Julie," Aunt Jen suggested to my sister.

"Hey, why don't you do Edric a telling?" Julie suggested back.

Aunt Jen went silent; she looked like a rabbit caught in the approaching glare of headlights. Then she promptly said, "I'm sorry dear, I didn't bring my cards with me today, maybe next time."

Edric looked at me after Julie and Aunt Jen left the room. I shrugged at him. Aunt Jen always had her cards with her and she was also acting a bit strange today, I couldn't figure it out so I decided to give up trying.

I reached into the sink for the plug without looking and felt a sudden sharp pain in my left index finger. I quickly withdrew my hand from the sink. A bright line of crimson red suddenly appeared on my finger and blood began to seep out of the wound.

"Shit," I said.

Thinking quickly Edric snatched a paper towel from the dispenser and wrapped it around my finger squeezing firmly while he held onto my wrist. He asked, "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine thanks, I just don't like the sight of blood."

Edric smiled at me reassuringly, I saw genuine concern in his eyes. I could feel the pain slowly ebb away as he held on. In some way, I didn't want this moment to end, I realised that Edric was beginning to mean a lot more to me than I could ever imagine. Standing there together, it felt like we'd known each other for an eternity. It was as if we'd been friends for longer than just a few days. I felt a growing feeling, an unexplainable knowledge that something amazing was happening to me, slowly unfolding before my eyes, and somehow I knew that Edric was going to be a big part of it.

Chapter Three

2006-03-03T20:09:00.000+10:00

The best thing about the academic life is that you're always meeting new people. The process of getting to know someone and learning new things about them is an experience in itself. Many of my friends were occupied with jobs and I didn't have any friends who were studying at uni. I was hoping to make some new friends while at uni but after last week I discovered that many of the students either had their own group of friends, so they weren't keen on meeting other people or they were only prepared to associate at uni. The smarter you were the better because people were only interested in knowing you if you had something to offer them in return. I've met several people who I could relate to and were easy to get along with, I only have to see if those acquaintances will turn into good friends. I don't want to go through university without any friends, being alone in a sea of people is frightening to me, I like to surround myself with good company but if I had to go through uni without any friends then so be it, I can survive. At least I think I can.

Tutorials commenced this week and most tutes began in the second week because it allowed the lectures to be one week ahead. Finding my way to the correct room didn't prove too hard. I've always had a good sense of navigation, just a glance at a map and I could find any location with ease. There were already a few people lining the walls of the hallway waiting for the tutor to arrive. I didn't recognise any of them and it seemed none of them knew each other either. It wasn't long before the tutor appeared and we all entered the room with quiet anticipation. I found an empty table by the door and seated myself while more students began to arrive.

When I saw Edric come through the doorway I immediately felt a great sense of relief that I knew someone in the tute. There was something else as well underneath that relief; I felt happy at seeing him. Almost like old friends who never get tired of each other's companionship.

He spotted me, smiled and headed my way.

"Hi March, do you mind if I sit here?" He asked in his melodic voice.

"Hey, not at all Edric" I said, "Go for it."

"Isn't this a coincidence? Being in the same tute." Edric remarked.

Something rang at the back of my head, nagging at me like a word trying to be recalled yet was just at the tip of the tongue. Ignoring it I said, "You sound like my aunt, she's always going on about coincidences."

"She sounds like an insightful person," Edric said.

"That's just the half of it," I said with affection for my aunt.

The tutor cleared her throat to gain everyone's attention before introducing herself. She spent half the time explaining the structure of the tutorials and the other half consolidating the information we learnt from the lecture. When it was over everyone seemed eager to leave as quickly as they could, I didn't feel as rushed so I took my time packing up.

Edric turned to me and smiled, it was contagious and I found myself smiling back.

He said, "That was fun."

"It was wasn't it?"

"Do you have anything on next?" Edric asked me.

I had to take a moment to mentally recall my timetable. "No, actually, I have a four hour break before the next lecture."

"Yeah? Same," Edric said. "Do you want to grab a coffee or have a beer at the uni bar?"

"Mate, I've been looking for an excuse to check out the uni bar, I'll definitely take you up on that," I said.

"Great," Edric said, "It's settled then."

I found myself liking the guy, he was really easy to talk to and he seemed like a genuinely nice person. A lot of people make preconceived notions about someone else before they knew anything about them, judging them, pigeon holing them for the simple reason that it's easier to classify a person and have them figured out. With Edric, I never felt like I was under any scrutiny, not even once did I feel like he had me summed up or weighed me for my usefulness.

"Have you been here before?" I asked as the uni bar came into view.

"No," Edric replied, "This is my first time. Have you?"

"Nope," I said, "But it doesn't look too shabby."

The uni bar was quite modern considering the university was a very old institution. The place was well lit and inviting. It had the usual comforts any modern day bar had to offer; there were pool tables, a jukebox, and a large screen television.

We made our way to the bar where the bartender stood polishing wine glasses.

"What can I get you guys?" the bartender asked.

"A Corona please," Edric said without hesitation. It was the same beer I usually drink.

The bartender turned to me.

"I'll have the same thanks," I said. I reached in my back pocket to pull out my wallet.

"I've got it mate," Edric said, "Don't worry about it."

"Dude," I said incredulously, "Corona's aren't cheap, I can't let you pay for both."

"It's not a problem," Edric said smoothly, "I asked you here so let me buy you a drink, it's the least I could do for keeping me company."

I was about to argue but I didn't want to offend him. Finally I said, "Okay, thanks, but you have to let me buy you the next drink."

"Sure, it's up to you," He said handing me a beer before paying.

There weren't many people at this time of day, considering that it wasn't lunch yet, but many more people would soon be streaming in as the time neared. We chose a spot between the outside area and a pool table.

"What do you say about a game of eight ball?" I asked.

"I'm a bit rusty so -,"

I cut him off, "Come on it'll be fun, besides, we have three and a half hours to kill."

Edric grinned at me lopsidedly and for some unexplainable reason I knew the grin meant he'd planned to say yes all along. I don't know how I knew, I just did.

"It's settled then," I said, popping a dollar into the coin slot to eject the balls.

Edric raised an eyebrow at me making me laugh, which in turn caused him to smile. I was beginning to understand that Edric spoke with his face - no, he spoke with his whole body, and slowly I was decoding that language. Yet it felt like I was doing more than just decoding his body language, it felt like I already knew what they meant, and was only just remembering.

I gathered the balls into the triangle and set them up. Then I picked up my Corona and said cheers to Edric, he clinked his beer with mine and we both took several swigs.

"So do you want to break?" I asked.

"No, you go for it," he said.

"Right."

Choosing an appropriate cue for myself I took the break. The balls scattered across the pool table as they inevitably followed the laws of physics. Only one ball was pocketed, the rest slowed down to a stop.

"Looks like I have smalls," Edric observed.

"You are correct indeed," I said emphatically.

Edric gave me a blank look. I feigned innocence. He smiled and shook his head. My next shot succeeded but the one after failed.

"So what urged you to study Psychology?" I asked Edric as he took his shot.

"Honestly March, I'm not exactly sure why," he replied as he pocketed a ball, "But I guess I wanted to be able to understand myself more."

"Really?" Then jokingly I said, "I just wanted to be able to tell people how screwed up they were."

"We all have our reasons whether we know it or not," Edric said. The next ball he was aiming to pocket missed. "But I can tell you're going to enjoy getting inside people's heads!"

"Isn't that why anyone really studies psyche?" I said, pocketing a ball.

"Some people may truly want to help others," he said in mock seriousness.

Pocketing another ball I asked, "You think so?"

"What do you think?" he threw back at me.

We looked at each other and said at the same time, "Nah."

We both laughed.

I was beginning to think I was on a roll when I pocketed another ball. Then I missed my next attempt.

Edric took his shot and as he pocketed a ball I noticed he was concentrating harder on the game. His movements were more deliberate and certain. I quietly observed him while he played and pocketed another ball. His style and technique expressed a grace not unlike the way he would normally carry himself. Pocketing another three balls like he'd been playing pool all his life I was almost starting to feel like I should concede defeat until I noticed that his last ball was stuck behind the eight ball and one of mine.

"Whoa," I said with my jaw agape after watching him play, "You're really good, I thought you said you were rusty?"

"I am," he said. "I haven't played for a few years now."

"You could've fooled me," I said admiringly. "If you can make this shot I'll worship you as the god of pool!"

"Hmm," Edric contemplated, and then joked, "I suppose having someone worship me would have its benefits."

He did better than pocket a difficult ball, he beat me altogether, utterly defeating me like a professional would a novice. I stood in stunned silence.

"Are you alright there?" Edric asked, peering at me.

"What . . . happened?"

"I won."

"Mate," I said in awe. "You play like a pro, how did you get so good?"

"Well," he explained, "I used to play a lot and I've been in a few comps."

"I bet if you'd taken the break you could've beaten me while I still had all seven balls on the table," I remarked.

"Hey, you know what that would mean then," Edric said with a cheeky grin.

"Oh shit, I'd have to walk around the pool table with my pants and undies around my knees!" I proclaimed in shock. "I'm not gonna to give you the chance for that to happen then!"

"Damn," he said disappointedly. "So do you still want to worship me then?"

"Hell no," I said laughing, "Like I'm gonna get on my hands and knees for someone who wants to see me waddle my naked rear end around a pool table!"

Edric gave me a strange look and raised an eyebrow. I realised what I'd said and winced.
"Uh, that didn't come out right did it?" I said slightly embarrassed.

Edric shook his head and laughed, when my cheeks reddened it made him laugh even harder. I smiled and began to laugh as well, after all, what point is there to life if you couldn't laugh at yourself.

After the hysterics, I finished my beer and bought us two more. We sat and chatted for the remaining three hours before our next lecture. We talked about politics, religion and almost any other topic we could think of. I discovered we shared in many of the same beliefs and had much in common. I was aware that Edric did not speak of his family much and I never broached the subject. Regardless, I still shared with him the details of my own family; how I lived with an older sister, a mother who worked long hours and how I was visited by a wacky and zany aunt quite often. I only quickly mentioned to Edric that my father left my family when I was young, but he seemed to understand that it was an uncomfortable topic for me and changed the subject to my relief.
It was easy to talk with Edric. He made me feel more relaxed than I ever could be with anyone else. Bit by bit I learnt more about him as we talked and shared past experiences. He listened to the things I said with genuine interest and I hoped that I was doing the same when I listened to him talk. Not once did an uncomfortable silence ever come between us.

Time flew by surprisingly fast and I was reluctant to leave for the next lecture. I could see that Edric was feeling the same as well. We walked to the lecture room together while still talking. I felt jubilant that I'd finally found a good friend to study at uni with. A feeling inside told me that Edric would become a very close friend, closer perhaps than the friends I already had. Either way, I was glad I met him; I couldn't have hoped to meet a better person.

Chapter Two

2006-03-03T20:08:00.000+10:00

It was going to be another loud morning. I knew this because apart from the sounds of pots, pans, and dishes banging away loudly, I could hear my auntie's boisterous voice bantering with my older sister. Despite the noise I woke up with a smile on my face where normally on days my aunt popped over this early I would be scowling and wrapping a pillow around my ears to shut out the racket.

I was looking forward to the day ahead. I got out of bed full of energy and went into the bathroom to wash my face. I stared at my reflection in the mirror trying to figure out why I felt so cheery, but I just smiled, shrugged and said to myself in the mirror, "I dunno."

The smell of my auntie's cooking greeted me in the kitchen as I entered.

"Grab a plate March," Aunt Jen said in her strong voice, commanding yet sincere at the same time. She turned with a frying pan still hot with bacon and transferred the contents onto an empty plate on the counter.

"That smells great Aunt Jen," I said enthusiastically.

"What? It's just bacon and eggs I whipped up because your sister is too lazy to cook," Aunt Jen joked.

"Hey, I just don't want to cook," Julie defended.

"C'mon Aunt Jen, you know you love to cook for us," I quipped.

"Well now, somebody has to feed you -," Her sentence trailed off when she looked up at me, she squinted her eyes to peer at me better, perhaps assessing my aura, being the spiritual person she was. "There's something different about you March, your aura and presence seem much stronger than usual."

"Yeah," Julie added, "You didn't even complain about the noise this morning."

"Please, spare me guys," I said cheerfully. I grabbed an empty plate and piled it with bacon, eggs, tomato and toast while Aunt Jen continued to observe me closely. "Your concern for me is very touching."

"No, seriously, you seem - different. Why are you so happy this morning?" Aunt Jen asked in a voice quieter than normal.

"Like I said to my reflection earlier, 'I dunno'" I explained and shoved some more bacon into my mouth munching away with obvious fervour.

"Yeah, I know what's different," my sister Julie, said. "He's gone mad and he's eating like a pig, but that last part is normal."

With a mouthful of food I said to Julie, "Oh you are so misdirected."

"And you have no manners, pig." Julie said.

"After you finish eating I'll do you a reading." Aunt Jen said matter-of-factly and started heading out the room to grab her cards. I rolled my eyes. Without breaking her stride, Aunt Jen said behind her, "And don't you roll your eyes."

"Whadya know, she is psychic!" I joked.

Julie raised an eyebrow and shook her head at me.

By the time Aunt Jen returned, I'd finished my breakfast.

"Now wash you're hands, I'm not letting you touch my cards with those greasy fingers." Aunt Jen said in a strict but soothing voice.

As I passed Aunt Jen to put my empty plate away I feigned grabbing the cards from her hands. She deftly manoeuvred them away from my reach.

"Now, now, I told you to wash your dirty hands," She said.

I laughed and complied with her request before seating myself at the table. She passed me the cards and told me to shuffle them, though I knew to do this anyway. The cards were a standard deck of fifty-two cards but with the jokers included. I handed them back to her when I finished.

"Now, let's see what we have here..." Aunt Jen said as she placed a card on the table. She began her telling, "These two are the centre cards of focus; they determine the interpretation of the surrounding cards."

The first card she laid down was the ace of hearts. She looked at me without surprise and said, "It looks like there will be love in your life soon."

Julie sat herself down, intrigued at the unfolding prediction, "Hah, given his track record with girls I find that hard to believe."

I stuck my tongue out at her.

"Mature," Julie said to me.

Aunt Jen put down the second centre card. It was the king of hearts.

"This card can be many things but in this case, it represents you at a most vulnerable time of your life," Aunt Jen studied me more closely. "Interesting indeed."

"Very," Julie said.

"Meh," I said unconcerned, but I could feel my heart starting to race.

"These two cards are intertwined with the centre, they reveal the meaning of the centre, the beginning of the wheel that rotates clockwise to give meaning to all and the centre." As she finished she placed the first top card down, it was the ace of diamonds. "Hmm, the cards tell me you will share a mutual affection."

"Ooh this is better than a romance novel!" Julie said in excitement.

Aunt Jen and I both looked at her at the same time.

"Sorry," Julie said, "I'll be quiet."

The next card placed on the table was a king of clubs. Aunt Jen gasped and put her hands to her mouth.

"What is it" Julie and I said in unison. I gave Julie a wry look. She raised her hands up, palms turned outward.

"Okay, Okay," She said.

Aunt Jen hid a smile behind her hand. "Oh dear, March, does anybody else know?"

"Know what?" Julie beat me to the question.

Aunt Jen looked at her as if realising she was there for the first time. She said, "Julie honey, can you give us some privacy dear."

"Oh, come on this is really interesting," Julie pleaded. Aunt Jen furrowed her eyebrows. "Alright I'm going, way to rain on my parade Aunt."

"Honey this is about March."

"Yea, finally he's gonna get some action."

Aunt Jen's eyebrows furrowed even deeper

"Going," Julie said throwing her hands up in defeat and left the room.

"What do you mean by 'does anybody else know?'" I asked confused.

There was silence as she considered the question.

"March you will meet someone and you will discover things about yourself you never knew before." She had a grin on her face, but somehow I sensed she was not telling me everything. She squealed girlishly, "I am so happy for you."

Something nagged at me from the back of my mind but I pushed it away ignoring it. "So tell me what this chic is like. Is she hot? Is she a blonde bombshell?"

"You shouldn't always assume things, March" Aunt Jen said evading the question. "Let's continue this shall we?"

"The next two cards will explain the relationship between the centre and the beginning of the wheel, and clarifies the strength of the connection." She continued.

The first card she laid to the right of the centre cards was a jack of diamonds and the second was a jack of clubs. Aunt Jen's grin turned into a smile.

"Now you have me intrigued," I said.

"Never before have the cards predicted a love this pure or this innocent,"
She said being vague again. "I envy you."

"What? With who? You gotta tell me more aunt."

"Let me finish before I can tell you more." Aunt Jen said. "The next cards are bottom of centre, they predict what may come of the centre and the beginning of the wheel, the two who are intertwined"

She laid down the first card underneath the centre. It was the ace of spades.

Aunt Jen's eyebrows narrowed. With a slight hesitation and a tremble of her hand that I could see she was trying not to show, she laid down the second bottom card. It revealed the ace of clubs. Aunt Jen drew a sharp intake of breath. I could feel my heart racing faster, a sense of dread washed over me and I could taste the bile at the back of my throat.

I didn't say a word, somehow I didn't want Aunt Jen to finish her telling, I wanted to tell her to stop but instead I kept quiet.

Taking a deep breath she continued with forced steadiness in her voice. "The last two cards of the wheel may not reveal anything yet if they do, they will foretell not just the end of the wheel, but may speak of new chapters."

The first card on the left was a joker. Aunt Jen blinked, stunned. Drawing the next card without attempting to hide her trembling hands she laid the last card down. Joker.

Aunt Jen's face drained of blood. Her skin was pale where her cheeks used to be rosy. I didn't know what was going on but I could definitely hear my heart beating loudly in my ears, like the sound of drums beating ominously.

Aunt Jen looked at me with a smile but I could see something else in her eyes that didn't reflect that. She said, "There's nothing to worry about dear, the telling weaves a mystery for you, you will be happy with one who will love you so much in return."

"No matter what the future brings, you must promise me that you will open your self to the universe and accept the many coincidences that it will bring you for what they are, coincidences that are meant to be, good or bad. You will soon begin a journey to discover your true self, and dear," Aunt Jen sighed, "Do not be afraid to love."

Her last words hit me with brutal force. I didn't expect her to be so insightful, I couldn't be that obvious could I?

I laughed, pushed away the feelings of dread and said, "Ah, don't worry bout me Aunt, nothing can harm me."

"That is exactly what I'm afraid of and not what I'm worried about." She said quietly to herself.

"Okay," I drawled out, "I'm just gonna get ready for uni now, but thanks for breakfast Aunt Jen"

She smiled at me seeming a bit preoccupied, "It's my pleasure March, next time you cook me breakfast."

"Aw, you know I hate cooking."

"Nonsense, you're a great cook and you know it."

"I never said I was bad."

Aunt Jen laughed. "You are just too sure of yourself young man."

"Hey, you take me as I am."

"We have no other choice dear."

"Too right," I said and headed to the bathroom.

Aunt Jen was cool, even if she tended to go on a bit about coincidences and things that were meant to be. She was usually vague with her tellings anyway, so it wasn't any different from any other she'd done. I still felt there was something she was hiding, but I also knew she didn't always divulge everything her cards tell her. As she explains to everyone, there are some things she won't reveal because everything has a changing path so nothing can be certain.

After I showered and dressed, I made my way to the kitchen again to fetch a glass of juice. Aunt Jen was still there with her back to me, but she was engrossed in her cards. The same ones from my telling were still laid out on the table, but there was something different. I moved closer to get a better look. On top of the two centre cards was one more card. Aunt Jen had never drawn an eleventh card. Not that I could remember anyway. I moved closer to see it clearer. Placed across the middle of the two centre cards was a queen of diamonds.

"What does that mean?" I asked over her shoulders.

Aunt Jen almost jumped out of her chair. "You shouldn't scare people like that, March."

She must not have heard me enter. I apologised, "Sorry."

"Don't worry, I'm just getting old." She said comforting me.

"So what's with the last card? I've never seen you do that before," I asked again.

She scooped the cards together into a pile and stacked them neatly with the rest before putting them back in their packet.

"Well, sometimes the cards may be telling more than they appear," Aunt Jen said, "And a final card may answer a final question."

"Yeah?" I said with a grin, "What did you ask and what did it say?"

"Let's just say that there is a silver lining to every cloud." She responded vaguely again. She put the packet of cards in her pocket and walked to the kitchen sink.

"Enough already with the cryptic-ness, do you always have to be like that?" I asked rhetorically.

"You have no other choice dear," she said while she cleaned up.

As I was about to roll my eyes she said, "And don't roll your eyes at me."

"Psychics," I said with exasperation. "I'll seeya later Aunt Jen, I'm off to uni."

"Have a nice day, March," Aunt Jen said while chuckling to herself with mirth.

"You too," I called back, shaking my head as I left the house.

Chapter One

2006-03-03T19:55:00.000+10:00

The hardest thing about being alone is the knowledge that you are alone. My greatest unvoiced fear would have to be that; to be alone and to die alone. I feel like I have no one to turn to when times get rough, no one to share my thoughts with at the end of the day, no one to quip at with stupid remarks that only they would understand, no one to laugh at my spontaneous jokes. But my greatest yearning is to have someone to listen to, someone to break the silence that is so pervasive in my life. Sure, I've had plenty of girlfriends in the past but I grew tired of not knowing what I wanted and not knowing what I felt. But I know what I don't want and I know what I don't feel. I guess that was the problem with my past relationships. Those three small words uttered in a whisper within an embrace. How can they mean anything to me if I don't feel it too? I tried to explain it those times they were spoken, but there was nothing I could do to keep it from ending in tears. I knew what I didn't feel, I knew what I didn't want, and that was that. Am I a cold-hearted bastard who turned into an unrecognisable monster? Well, that was how one of my ex-girlfriends described me, but I've now come to realise that my real problem wasn't that I didn't know what I wanted or felt; my real problem was that I have always known what I've wanted but didn't know how to get it. I have lived with invisible walls around me for so long that they've become invisible even to me.

I could regret the past, I could relive them and imagine all the ways I could have done or said something to make things better, but some things can't be changed. What can be changed is how we let it affect us. I try to keep a positive outlook and learn from my mistakes, but I know that those walls are still around me, always there as a reminder of why I'm still by myself when I go to bed at night. It has become hard to motivate myself in the mornings, hell it's hard to motivate myself altogether, but I remember a time when getting up was never a struggle and a battle with my own will. Sometimes I wonder why I even try, but then if I ever entertained that idea I may give in to it and sink back into a slumber never wanting to get out from under the sheets where the world can't touch me or see me. I can't allow that because the world would still be there and hiding from it doesn't mean that it still can't see me. So I go on because I know that one day I will find that something that I have always known I've wanted. But I won't be looking too hard though, I also have a life to live.

I guess that I never thought I would find what I was looking for on the university's inter-campus bus. I turned around in the bus aisle to seat myself and there I saw his eyes, they sparkled like green gems in pools of water. The moment was only brief but it felt longer than I could remember. At that moment something within me stirred. I felt a need greater than the pull of the tides. I felt a longing for something that I could only want or imagine in the deepest part of my dreams, but never allow myself to want or express for fear that I was undeserving of it. I couldn't understand where those feelings were coming from or why with such intensity they were there. Then he smiled, my first thought at that moment, though it was for a split second, was how much we take a person's smile for granted. I never knew how much a smile could light up a persons face so much, or how it could change those planes into a terrain of warmth and kindness.

He raised his eyebrow and suddenly I realised I was blocking the aisle.

Clearing my throat I stuttered, "S-sorry."

I stepped into the vacant seating to let him pass.

"You're okay," he said still smiling but with a hint of amusement in his voice.

I sat down, trying to understand what had just happened. I could always trust myself to react really inappropriately at the strangest of times. It occurred to me that even though he was practically less than a foot from me when I turned and found myself in his way, I couldn't remember what he looked like in general. I stole a glance towards the back of the bus in the direction he had gone just in time to catch him settling into his seat. His hair was dark, almost black, cut short, not into anything stylish but the fringe was frayed giving it a slight unkempt messy look, his skin was fair, a contrast to his dark hair that suited him but begged the question of his origins. He had very short facial hair that was groomed neatly into a goatee.

He was looking out the window when suddenly he turned his head and our gazes locked. It didn't last very long because I quickly turned away to face the front of the bus. I could feel a surge of heat rise to my face as my cheeks reddened and I told myself how foolish this all was. Not to mention strange and unusual. I focused my thoughts on my next lecture and absorbed myself in evaluating my plan of attack for the future assessments of my first year Psychology degree.

The bus rolled to a stop at the university's next campus. As I was walking to the lecture room I was still engrossed in thoughts of the looming assessments while I found a spot to sit down somewhere between the middle and back rows. It was crazy, I hadn't even started my first assignment and already I was worried.
Maybe if I was a pure genius I wouldn't have anything to worry about, but as it is, you can't choose your I.Q. when you come into this world.

There was still five minutes left before the lecture started so I pulled out the course outline from a pocket of my notebook and began to go over it for the umpteenth time. It was only the second week into studies and the first assessment would be due in a few weeks. I resolved to begin the assignment this week to give myself enough time to write a sound piece.

Behind me I heard the rustling of someone seating themself. I took no notice; I was more preoccupied with studying the course guide.

"Uhm, excuse me," I heard a deep voice say from behind.

I turned to see if this person was addressing me and my breath caught in my throat. He was leaning close to my head. I could see the contours of his face, chiselled into perfect proportions. It was the same guy that was on the inter- campus bus. There was a questioning look on his face.

He glanced at my course outline and asked, "Do you mind if I take a look at that? I forgot to bring mine today."

His voice was peculiar, it was soft yet did not convey any shyness. The intonation and pitch of his voice rose up and down at certain words creating a melody that did not point to any distinguishable accent but rather to a uniqueness of itself. He raised his eyebrow again and once more I realised I was supposed to take action.

"Oh, yeah," I said quickly to hide my stupefaction. I handed him my course outline and he flipped through the pages until he found the section he was looking for. His eyes darted across and down the page and stopped near the bottom as he began to read.

"Hmm, the first assignment is due in three weeks and we have a mid-semester exam the week after too!" he said in near disbelief as he passed me my course outline back.

"Oh yeah, we do too." I said, "For statistics isn't it?"

"Yeah," he said. Then he smiled that smile which spoke of his inner self and which expressed more than a kind altruistic soul. He extended a hand to me. "I'm sorry for my rudeness, my name is Edric."

"Edric," I shook his hand and his name rolled out of my mouth as if testing the sound it would make. It was an uncommon name and I found myself liking it.
He raised an eyebrow again and for the third time I found myself lacking a response.

"I'm March," I offered smiling back at him.

"Like the month hey?" he said, his hand was still gripped to mine, they were warm, soft, and firm.

"No," I said, and chuckled at the number of times I'd heard the remark. "Like a soldier on a march!"

Edric laughed at that, he was still holding onto my hand when he said, "I guess you get that a lot."

"More than you know," I said.

"It's a really cool name though," he complimented.

"Yours is too," I returned.

At that moment the lecturer whom I did not notice had entered began to speak. I loosened my grip and he let my hand go.

"I, uh, better start taking notes," I said.

"Yeah, ditto," Edric said, his voice expressed something I couldn't make out, perhaps an inkling of regret.

I turned my mind to concentrating on the lecturer and taking notes but my mind began to wonder. I could still feel the warmth of his hand around mine, a lingering sensation that defied any efforts I made to ignore. I focused on the task at hand and in no time at all I was getting into the flow of writing notes. The lecture was over before I knew it. I hurriedly stuffed my notebook and pen into my bag and prepared to leave with the throng of student's amassing towards their nearest exits.

I noticed Edric getting up from his seat as well. I said, "It was nice to meet
you Edric."

He gave me another smile that lit his eyes. "Yeah, good to meet you too."

"I'll see you around then," I said.

"Yeah, see you around March."

By now the students had thinned out allowing me to exit the lecture room with ease. It was my last lecture of the day, I felt drained and I couldn't wait to get home so I could relax.

Later that night, in the moments before I fell asleep, I was certain I felt a presence looking down at me with kindness and understanding although I was alone in my room, and a name resounded in my head, echoing with a gentle force that carried me into my slumber; Edric.